WELP.

I feel that I really cannot discuss my artwork without getting overly personal. I promised myself I would make an attempt not to be so (improper word choice), but my senior show piece will be be a good example of that.

I'd say I am a very surface person. As in a lot of what I am comes to the surface. If I want people to know me, I want them to know the real me, and all of it. So my work as of late has been pretty personal, just as my writing has been. So let's pick me apart:

This year has been a very strange year for me. I've been trying to find shortcuts to fill voids and as opposed to stripping everything down, knocking out the dents, welding the holes, and smoothing/priming/painting things up, it's more like I've been using Bondo as a quick fix That's never a good solution.

To set out on a self-discovery quest, I did a lot of shit over the summer. And over the fall. I've been trying to learn more about myself by living more and making mistakes all over the map. I've made plenty of mistakes and boy, have I been learning from them. I know now that finding someone else is never a proper solution to completing myself, so that quest is over momentarily. I know that I shouldn't let matters like that flood my work, I go through feeling on relationships like water and my opinions on the work I want to do suffers from a quick lack of interest. About a month into the semester, I decided that it would be a good idea to do a more personal piece and, by that, I mean to do a work that is based on me and not necessarily specific relationships with other people. So that's where the Operation self-portrait came in.

Of course, to do a self portrait in this style requires lots of thought in order to execute it the way I want. It was decided (with Joel's help, of course) that a full-sized scale would be the only appropriate way to go about the matter. With that being said, this would mean a very big piece. So most of the work I have been doing has been thought process. I've had the hardest time trying to just wrap my brain around approaching the piece properly but since then (a few weeks ago), the production has been smooth. Not "in a timely manner" smooth, but working out pretty well.

I was pretty aware that the project I decided to take on was ridiculously ambitious. This is coupled with the fact that I was trying out a lot of new things. I've never worked over 22x30, I've never worked on wood, I've never used electronics as a part of my pieces. Suddenly, I found myself trying to make a 70 lb., 6 feet tall and three and a half feet wide vibrator. I bit off way more than I could chew and I choked pretty hard.

I got the idea in my head that a senior show had to be really big. I think they should be. They are supposed to represent everything you are capable of over eight or more semesters of schooling. I really wasn't seeing that in a number of pieces in the current show, but at least those people were completing things on time. I, on the other hand, will settle for no less than something ridiculously complex and just really fucking cool to look at. I don't think there is any way my project could have been completed in one semester, much less half of one.

While I am making up excuses for my shortcomings, I am more than glad to back them up because I know I am at fault for not having a show in on time. But I will say that I am disappointed in myself for disappointing my professors. So many of you really put your necks out on the line for me and I just let you hang and for that, I am truly, deeply sorry. I'm not sure if I can offer any sort of consolation that will be worth a damn, but I will try to make up for it to the best of my ability in some way, shape, or form.

I don't think Prillaman is going to pass me, nor do I think he should. I've missed countless classes, way more than what is acceptable. Dropping my GPA and graduating without a double emphasis is fine by me, I've made peace with that. I just hate the fact that I've made it this way.

At the beginning of the semester, I felt that I was really ready for school to be over with. I think I have finally realized that there is a difference between being ready to graduate and just being over school. Taking a semester off really wasn't an option for me, so I took one halfway off illegitimately. I still don't feel that my concept are strong enough for me to make it in the real art world, that I really don't have much to say, but I think that this is due to an inexperience of living in general. I just don't have shit to say.

I'm not as articulate as I'd like to be when it comes to art and my work is very vague. I need to learn to address the issues I want and I need to learn to do it precisely. I don't think that will come along for several years, and by then, I still might not have much to say.

What I have to present are photographs of a box and a little comic that I did. While the box is grandiose and whatever, the little comic strip says a lot more about me than the gigantic self-portrait ever will. It is the piece that I'm most proud of to date.







The metals pieces will be photographed as soon as I finish smoothing things out. I was literally fitting the pieces together and patching them up with Bondo and epoxy and I just can't live with that. I'm making the pieces hollow again to finish adding elements that will show on the backside.

I still don't feel that I am ready to graduate, but this is no longer about graduating, but moving on with this stage in my life. I've been trying to hold onto it for too long and I just need to let it go and live a little the way normal people do. I need to do things for myself and on my own time before I can feel confident enough to start producing work for other clients and stuff. I don't need to go home but I can't stay here.